The poop on my colonic

As I mentioned yesterday, I'm on a 21 day Martha's Vinyard Detox fasting program so that I can clean out my entire system, fit back into my pants and, more importantly, lose my emotional attachment to food. This is day 2. It sucks. Like really, really sucks. But let's get to the adventure I had last night at The Beverly Wellness Center getting what's euphemistically called "colon hydrotherapy" because the dreaded word "colonic" is too horrifying for most to utter. And it was of little comfort to read the Tweets of my Partner in Pretty who, at that same moment, was enjoying a fancy din din at Katsuya with Adam Levin at the next table. Whatever.

Weekly colonics are an integral part of this three week detox program. Because of all the green drinks, digestive enzymes, water, berry drinks, veggie juices and soups and everything else that has made up my torturous past two days, my body will flush out a bunch of toxins. The best way to get them out is with good ol' water up the butt. Sounds unpleasant, I know. If you're one of those "Oh no! TMI! TMI!" people, then I suggest you move on to another post. It's my responsibility as a hard-hitting journalist for LA Pretty to give all the dirty details.

Before I was even taken to the room where my treatment would take place, I was shown where the toilet was. Because this toilet will be the single most important thing in my life immediately after the treatment. And oh, was it a nice toilet too. The seat was not only heated, but it was equipped with something that will shoot water up your butt at the touch of a button. At first it was disconcerting, but I got quite used to it when I put it to the test. And it comes with a dryer. Yes, a dryer! I heard rumours of these kind of toilets in Japan, and playing with it was really the highlight of the entire experience.

So let's get down to the nitty gritty. You strip from the waist down, put on a long hospital gown, and are told to lay on your side and bend your upper leg. Then comes the scary part. She took my hand and had me push in the speculum myself (guiding me as I did it). While I found it strange at the time, I do understand that I know my own level of comfort, so it made sense that if I freaked out, I could immediately stop everything until I was more relaxed. Oh, and her advice to "open your mouth and your eyes because that relaxes you" is good to know for future reference. So then, she says, the worst part is over. I carefully roll onto my back while keeping my knees raised. And then try to relax.

Sitting in front of the hydrotherapy machine, which has a window so that I can see what goes in and out, my therapist turned on the water and waited for me to let her know when I couldn't take anymore, a bit after cramping but way before the "oh my god, I'm going to die" feeling sets in. I was filled and emptied, filled and emptied, but only clear water seemed to be coming out. Meanwhile my therapist explained how hydration was the key to colon health. That it takes water to make your poo able to come out. That, and green leafy veggies. And as my pre-detox lifestyle where most of my liquids consisted of lattes and Diet Dr. Pepper, my colon probably wasn't the healthiest. But since water and green drinks were all I had yesterday, the first day of my detox, I figured I was good. And I was right! My therapist mentioned "whatever this detox is that you're on, it's great as you're really emptying quickly!" I couldn't help but be proud.

So it continued, the somewhat unpleasant filling process where cramping would come in, and me saying "um, OK" and then the emptying. My therapist would occasionally massage my tummy and use some kind of vibrating massager to break up whatever clumpy things where in there. Not that much came out during the treatment, surprisingly enough. But when the treatment was over, the tube was removed and I was instructed to go to that prized toilet, let's just say I had moments like that in Mexico. There was cramping, there was lots of flushing, and there were some unpleasant moment of "what the hell did I just do?" And this was only the beginning. I was advised to have two more treatments within the next two weeks as this first one only just cleaned out the first part of my colon.

I was told I would feel drained afterwards, and I did. But this morning I woke up at 6 with no alarm, and was actually alert. All in all, not the most pleasant of experiences, but one that I was glad I did. And I have two more coming.

BH Wellness Center's info on colonics

first image source